I was just thinking.
War is dangerous for children and other living things. What really gets
me worked up is that those who don’t start war are the ones who catch the flak
while the warlords are nicely tucked in some luxurious palace or cave. Ask
Osama. Oops, he’s down under. There is always some kind of war going on
somewhere in the world and some are so big that the initiators themselves live
in fear of out-nuking each other. The Americans and the Russians have nuclear
weapons that can wipe planet Earth a dozen times over. Now, that’s really dumb
because once you nuke us all out the first time, there will be nobody left to
nuke let alone do the nuking a dozen times more!
It seems to me some Africans get itchy in their bums if there isn’t a
war going on in their backyard. They start a small rebellion and men and women
run to the bushes. Because there isn’t much to do there, the women get pregnant
and in nine months or sooner, you have hundreds of whimpering skinny kids with
no food and water.
Some years back, peace talks between Congo DRC factions and the Kabila government
were hosted by South Africa at a luxurious Sun City hotel. I saw pictures on television
of these rabble rousers immaculately dressed (one was in a white suit, white
shirt, white tie and white socks and shoes) and enjoying a huge breakfast. Meanwhile, thousands of innocent people displaced because of lust for power and
wealth, were roasting World Food Program maize for breakfast at some refugee
camp in the bush.
Do you really think that these chaps were going to quickly come to an
agreement with all the luxury around them? Naa! I don’t think so. That is why
they took months at Sun City pretending that
they could not agree. Where else to have a good time than Sun
City? Nice and tasty South African beef sausages, bacon, eggs,
toast and a dozen glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice and a huge dinner
washed down by the finest from South Africa’s Cape Town vineyards is the right
recipe for these guys not to agree on anything quickly.
The genocide in Darfur is horrible. The warring parties a few years ago,
were holed up at some posh hotel in Arusha, Tanzania, pretending to hold peace
talks. Did you see them on BBC World, arriving at the Arusha International
Conference Center, decked out in Gucci suits, no ties, looking healthy and
strong?
Next time our leaders have differences, they must not draw peace loving innocent
people like us into the fracas. If Jacob Zuma or Ban Ki-Moon want to organize
peace talks for the warring parties, these should take place at a refugee camp.
Better still; a zoo would be the most appropriate place for these ‘monsters’ to
sort out their differences. Real animals could instead be moved to Sun City to make room in the zoo for peace talkers.
While in the zoo, the leaders must have no clean food and water, no
toilet facilities (that includes toilet tissue, and make sure there are no old
newspapers lying around) and no toothpaste or tic tacs. They must first be
shown a video of their people suffering before proceeding with the talks. Lock
them in the cages and don’t let anybody get out, even if their bowels open up
involuntarily. Keep the Red Cross AND Doctors Without Borders far away from the
zoo.
Elsewhere, the Americans are at it in Afghanistan, Hamas and the rest of
the Palestinians are at Israel’s neck but of course, you must understand that these
are family differences which have been going on since Abraham decided to have a
shortcut to the promised child resulting in Isaac and Ishmael not being very
nice to each other. Sudan and South Sudan, kith and kin, are not having lunch
together and, of course, Iran’s Ahmadinnerjacket cannot wait to nuke Israel out
of existence. I can hear him say, ‘That’s one big hole in the planet and one
giant leap to Armageddon”. Libya’s Gadhafi is in the hereafter at the hands of
his own comrades, Egypt’s Mubarak and family are in the slammer, Ben Ali skipped
from Algeria skipped and who knows who’s next. Somalia are messing around with
Kenya and that’s like playing with fire. Here in Zambia some brothers think
they should chew away a large sandy chunk of our wonderful country and govern
themselves.
In Biblical times, Kings used to lead their armies into battles. For
example, King David went out to war with his army quite a bit, well except for
this one time when he decided not to and ended up hanky pankying with Uriah’s
wife, Bathsheba. Boy, did God get angry! Anyway, when defeated, a king and his
army would return with their tails tucked between their legs but the victorious
army would go on and plunder the defeated territories.
So, I was just thinking of a solution which would preserve the rest of
peace loving humanity like you and me. What the world needs in modern warfare
is to get the battle away from our cities and villages and that’s where I come
in.
The United Nations must create a territory, far away from the rest of
mankind, where aggrieved parties can go and fight without harming us. They must
not return until there is a victor, of course the winners must provide proof
that they are the champs. Since war is mostly fought by men, the winning side
must bring the head of the defeated President or leader and the foreskins of
all his soldiers. The Bible tells us that Samson was good at collecting
foreskins. The winning party must also remember to chop off the big toes of the
defeated.
Now that you have a UN Secretary General from a high tech country, all
he and his advisors think about are flash disks, digital cameras, karaoke
laptops, inventing special cooking pots that are fully kitted with an AM/FM
stereo and a four-inch HD Flat Screen and of cause, making homosexuals
comfortable, etc. So, the UN chief doesn’t have the time to find the ideal
place to do battle. That’s where I come in!
How about Australia?
Australia has jungles for Yoweri Museveni and the Lord’s
Resistance Army, Tiger Tamils or East Timor
rebels, to do battle. There are deserts for the Arabs, Taliban and others,
including Americans, since they now enjoy the experience of desert warfare. The
vast waters surrounding this huge continent are available for those who prefer
sub-marine warfare. Australia
has every kind of terrain desired by any of the warring parties in the world and
it is far away from the rest of civilization. The UN must buy this continent
for a battleground now. It is the only right thing to do.
Now, “where do we take the Australians?” you may ask. Well, those who
love rugby and cricket can be accommodated by South Africa somewhere in Kwazulu-Natal.
The Russians can take all vodka drinkers and their families; all the aborigines
and kangaroos. Crocodile Dundee can move
to Botswana where the bushmen would be delighted to have their own kind
dwelling among them and I am sure the British Queen would take the rest of her
subjects. Of course New Zealanders and other nearby islanders, being in the
line of fire, would move to Zimbabwe
but will not be allowed to go into farming.
There it is! The UN must now buy Australia!
It is possible though that Australia could be full of battles,
leaving no room for new adversaries to find space because some wars take years...
and years. This is why I am delighted that space exploration is in high gear.
The Americans hope to send man to Mars before 2020 and that planet could be the
ideal place for those interested in high-tech warfare. North and South Korea could
annihilate each other in outer space and hopefully China and Taiwan would
return as one to once again conquer the world with cheap zhing zhongs for
export and new investments in Zambia and the rest of Africa. Al Qaeda has a
huge selection of caves on Mars for a hiding place. Arms dealers could set up
shop at one of Mars’ moons. The moons are small enough and orbit quite close to
the red planet. Captain Kirk and Dr. Spock would be available as consultants;
“beam me up Scotty!” All we need to do is ask our Pentecostal/Charismatic
brothers and sisters to fast and pray, asking God to create the ideal
atmospheric conditions for the earthly visitors to survive.
The nice thing about fighting battles on Mars is that it is very, very
far away. It could be arranged that spaceships designed to ferry troops to Mars
take about two years or so to get there and perhaps after the long trip, the
warring parties would be too tired to fight. They would both make peace or, if
unable to, go to battle and take another two years to fight and another two
years to get back. Just imagine, peace and goodwill on earth would reign for six
whole years or more! Wow!
It’s just a thought.
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